Title: The Camping Trip From Hell, Take Two
Author: Lily Winterwood
Characters: Bill Adama, Laura Roslin, Lee Adama, Kara Thrace, and Billy Keikeya
Summary: Total Future!Adama Family crack from the same universe of the Grand Canyon crackfic. Obviously Bill, Laura, Lee, Kara, and Billy didn’t learn anything from the Camping Trip From Hell (aka trip to Kobol), because they’re going camping. Again. On Earth.
Disclaimer: I don’t own BSG, and I sure as hell don’t own the Lake Cachuma Recreational Area. That place is hell when the winds pick up.
It had started off badly with Lee forgetting his suitcase once Bill had just slammed the door of the trunk on an inordinate amount of camping gear. Then Kara had forgotten her toothbrush. Then Laura forgot her hat. Bill was most definitely not a happy camper, and they hadn’t even pulled out of the driveway.
“So where are we going?” Lee asked cheerfully as soon as they exited the neighborhood.
Bill and Laura exchanged a Look. “Not the Grand Canyon,” Laura answered.
“I knew that,” scoffed Lee. “Where are we going this time?”
“That sounds like a stupid place.”
Kara took the opportunity. “Your face sounds like a stupid place,” she replied cheekily.
“You shut up!” Lee tried to imitate his mother’s Disapproving Face #478 (ticked off bordering on rage) but only succeeded in achieving a pout.
Kara grinned rougishly. “Too bad we didn’t forget Billy,” she whispered conspiratorially, making vague guestures towards Billy, who was seated in the back seat listening to his iPod yet again.
“I heard that,” Billy cut in.
Lee glowered at him. “None of your beeswax.”
“Boys, boys!” Laura exclaimed, interceding before heads were removed in an inevitable scuffle. “Calm down and act your age. Daddy’s just entered the highway and it’ll be a two-hour drive there, judging by the traffic we’re in. Let’s play a game.”
“Let’s play Romo Lampkin’s Cat!” Kara piped up cheerfully.
“Good idea, Kara.” Laura looked relieved. “Come on. Everyone except for Bill must play Romo Lampkin’s Cat. I’ll begin. Romo Lampkin’s cat was an amazing cat.”
“Romo Lampkin’s cat was a bad cat,” Kara deadpanned.
“Romo Lampkin’s cat was a crazy cat,” Billy added.
“Romo Lampkin’s cat was a DEAD cat,” Lee insisted. Laura gave him a Look. “It’s true!”
“We’re here!” Laura announced as she exited the car. She shivered. “It’s windy!”
Lee opened the door and exited hurriedly, shoving Billy back in his seat on the way. Laura apprehended him. “Hey, hey, hey. Don’t do that,” she said sternly. “If you shove Billy again, I’ll make you swim the lake in this windy weather.”
Lee pouted. He then brightened again, looking eagerly at the strange tent-like building in front of him. “What’s this?” he wonders, poking at the canvas-like walls.
“It’s a yurt,” Bill replied. “A tent that the Mongolians used.”
“Cool! Are there Mongols in there, too?”
Laura got a sudden urge to bash her head against the nearest tree. “No, there aren’t. But this is the sort of house they lived in.”
Kara sauntered up the steps to the deck. “So they had front porches, too?” she asked, lifting a flap to peek in.
“Do I look like a Mongolian to you?” Laura asked sarcastically.
Kara giggled. “Of course you do, mommy,” she replied.
“I call top bunk!” Lee declared as soon as they entered.
“No, you get bottom bunk,” Kara replied, shoving at him. “Get off, this bed is mine.”
“Is not! You get that top bunk over there!” Lee pointed across the aisleway to the other bunk. The interior of the yurt sported only two bunk beds and a low bookshelf on which a heating fan sat. One of the lower bunks was extended to fit two mattresses, so five people could easily sleep in the room.
“Ew, that’s the one above mommy and daddy’s bed and they’re always squirming around making funny noises at night.”
Lee looked grossed out. “We’ll make Billy take that bunk, then,” he declared.
Billy poked his head out from underneath. “I already spread out my sleeping bag,” he taunted.
Kara glowered and resumed shoving at Lee.
The sleeping arrangements were finally decided upon—Lee would get the bunk above their parents. Kara beamed at him toothily as their parents strode in with their suitcases and sleeping bags.
“Daddy?” Lee asked.
“Yes, son?” Bill asked, spreading out a sheet on the bottom mattresses. No sleeping bags for him and Laura.
“Don’t wriggle around at night and make funny noises when we’re sleeping, okay?”
Laura and Bill looked at each other, looking ready to burst. “Excuse us, we’ll have to decide that outside,” Laura said abruptly, and she and Bill ran outside the yurt before they could start laughing.
After getting settled in, the Adamas were ready to face their next obstacle.
The nearest bathrooms were ridiculously far away and Laura had flat-out refused to use the Porta-potties. But when they got to the facilities, there were a gaggle of ladies hovering around the outside.
“What’s going on?” Laura asked a lady with a big straw hat.
“There’s a skunk in the bathroom,” replied the lady.
Kara and Lee overheard. “Cool! A real, live skunk!” Kara squealed, running into the bathroom with Lee on her heels. Moments later they came charging out again, stinking to high heaven. “It sprayed us!”
“Oh no,” groaned Laura, already shuffling her feet. “Where’s the nearest shower facility?”
Behind them, rangers headed into the bathroom to shoo the skunk away. They were carrying a huge tub of pine-scented water.
It suffices to say that the restroom stunk worse than the skunk for a while after that—until the scent aired out.
“What did I tell you before? Don’t feed the animals!” Bill snapped at Lee as he attempts to start the camp stove.
Lee hastily withdrew the piece of bread he had laid out for the ducks and pouted for the umpteenth time that day.
“It’s not going to work, Lee,” Bill muttered, not even bothering to look up.
Laura appeared at Bill’s side with their food, ready to be cooked. “Any success?” she asked.
“Nope.” Bill frowned, and then turned the dial again. A blue flame appeared. “Scratch that. We have ignition!”
Laura immediately plonked down a slab of meat in a pan. “Did Lee and Kara manage to take their showers?”
“Yes, and what a ripoff it was!” Bill replied. “The showers costed them about ten quarters each.”
“It costs money?” Laura looked shocked.
“Three minutes for a quarter; it took them half an hour to get themselves feeling clean again.” Bill shook his head. “And the stalls weren’t even clean to begin with. There were animal feces all over the place.”
“Ew. I don’t think I’m showering at all this weekend.”
Billy poked his head out of the doorway. “Need any help, mom?” he asked.
Laura beamed at him. “You’re a sweetie, Billy. Here, help us get a campfire going.”
Laura and Bill had steak for dinner. Kara, Lee, and Billy had taken their marshmallow-roasting sticks and used them to grill hot dogs in the campfire. After that, everyone took one of the chairs stacked on the deck and gathered around the campfire, roasting marshmallows as the night fell steadily around them. Across the road, several other campers were gathered around their own campfires.
“Let’s sing a campfire song!” Lee suddenly said excitedly. He began singing off-key. “John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, his name is my name too!”
“No! Not that song!” Billy howled.
At the same time, Kara had lugged out a guitar from the trunk of the SUV. “Wait, Lee!” she called, strumming the instrument. “You need an accompaniment.”
Soon, the two had sang “John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt” at least five times through before moving on to the next song.
“There is a winding passage that leads up to my heart, and what comes down this passage is commonly called a fart! A fart is very useful; it sets the mind at ease! It warms the bed on winter nights and disinfects the fleas!”
Laura shook her head somewhat sadly, but brightened up as Billy handed her her marshmallow-toasting stick with a marshmallow on the end.
“We might want to make some s’mores before they hog it all,” he said sotto voce to his parents.
After the entire family had joined in to sing “Boom De Ah Dah” a few time through, it was, according to Lee, time to tell ghost stories.
“ … And the radioactive ghost in the pilot’s locker room came out, oozing nuclear waste … ”
Laura laughed as she watched the expressions play on Lee and Kara’s faces. Bill sure knew how to tell a good story.
“ … He slowly oozed his way through the halls of the battleship; it was late and all the pilots were asleep or still partying. But he was not deterred. He was intent on ensaring one Leland Joseph Adama and nothing was going to stop him!”
Lee squealed in fright and wriggled down in his seat. Billy and Kara snickered.
“He came upon Lee in the Captain’s quarters, raising his venomous arms to strike…”
Lee leaped into his sister’s lap, gibbering.
Lee screamed like a little girl, causing everyone else to burst out laughing. There was a flash.
Laura smirked, pocketing the camera.
“Good night, everyone,” Laura yawned after the family had finished the first bag of marshmallows.
“G’night, mommy,” three voices chorused.
The door to the yurt slammed shut.
After half an hour and another bag of marshmallows, everyone else was ready to call it a night. They gathered around the pump to brush their teeth (with only one spat between Lee and Billy), stumbled into the yurt, and crawled into their beds all nice and happy.
“Hey Laura,” whispered Bill as he burrowed under the cover.
Laura opened an eye. Seeing him, she smiled and snuggled up to him. “G’night, Bill,” she murmured.
When they woke up the next morning, there was a certain Lee Adama curled up in between Laura and Bill. “Lee! What are you doing here?” Laura exclaimed.
“I got scared of the radioactive mutant ghost,” Lee replied, eliciting a snigger from Kara and Billy.
Bill shook his head and exchanged a Look with Laura. There was one thought running through their minds:
This just might be one long weekend.